I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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