You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
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She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
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For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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