I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
whose ass print is on the piano?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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