Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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