You're completely useless in the revolution.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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