im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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