Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
