can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
