I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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