I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
