I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
