My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
