Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
