I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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