So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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