Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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