I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If I die, sorry about rent.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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