I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
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they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
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I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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