Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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