Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
