I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
