Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
