I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
