what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
