I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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