I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
