the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
