I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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