Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
