I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
