I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
