the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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