I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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