omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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