Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
