I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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