I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
