I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
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i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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