I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm like, not good at living.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
