Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
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I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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