So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
