Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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