So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
this boner is exhausting
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
