I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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