Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
