All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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