Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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