Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
