i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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