mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Swine flu is the new snow day.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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