I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
