the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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