Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
