Can i not drive my cunt home
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
