I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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