Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
