Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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