Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
