So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
